After leaving the Middle East for about 10 years living in America, I adapted the American culture and began thinking it was the “normal” way of doing things. After being away from Palestine for about 10 years and then going back a few summers ago, I began looking at people especially family members a little different because they were doing things that were not normal to me. One thing that really freaked me out was when guys were always physically close to other guys no matter whether walking, sitting around, or talking. When I first arrived in Palestine, many of my guy cousins were hugging and kissing me on the cheeks (awkward) but I later found out that this is how they greet family members. In America, my family and I were just used to shaking hands and maybe a hug or two, but no kissing when meeting other people. So one day while walking in downtown Ramallah, both of my cousins grabbed my hand and began walking. This freaked me out because in back America, I would never think of holding another guys hand especially one guy on each side of me. I had a sense that it was normal to them because many people of the same sex walking down the streets were holding hands so I just played along and kept following what they do. Later that night I told my dad about my experience and he explained to me that when a person wants to show that he’s happy to be with you, you hold hands. Also, it is a sign of respect for guy cousins to hold hands to show that they really enjoy your company. After coming back to America, I told my American friends about what happened and they all give me weird faces and made comments, but I explained that it was their culture and how they grew up. Since experiencing two different cultures and spending time in each, I think it has made me more open to other cultures.
Have you ever been in a situation like this and if so, how did you react?
Do you believe it’s a normal to hold hands with people of the same sex?
Ashref Murfiq and Alyse Fischer
28 comments:
Ashref,
I remember you telling us about this experience in class. I have been in a situation like this - sort of. I already knew that it was normal for Europeans to kiss each other as part of a greeting, but didn't know how I'd react to it until I actually experienced it.
I assumed that since I already knew about kissing on the cheek when you meet someone, whether you knew them or not, I would be okay with it. The truth was, though, I did take some getting used to. I was a little resistant at first, but over time I got used to it.
Once I came back to the States, I felt the need to kiss people on both cheeks whenever I gave them a hug -well, at least my friends and family. They'd look at me weird, and then I'd explain to them that that's what I'd gotten used to, so they would just humor me and go with it.
As far as holding plans with people of the same sex, I think that's completely normal. I do feel like it's more common for girls, though. If you ever see me and my best friend together, there's a good chance we're holding hands, but just because we're really close.
I have not had an experience where same-sex holding hands is the norm, but I have been around Latin Americans and Spaniards who kiss cheeks when meeting a new person. It took a little getting used to, but now I actually really like this method of greeting someone. It's very personable and you feel immediately liked and that they sincerely are glad to meet you!
I don't think it's "normal" or "abnormal" to hold hands with someone of the same sex. I think it's just different cultures in different parts of the world. If I saw two men holding hands in the United States, I would definitely assume they were gay, but obviously that is not the case in Middle Eastern countries. There, I would know that was the norm before going and probably wouldn't think too much about it when I saw it.
Edie Miller
I have yet to experience same sex hand holding and I'm not sure how I would react to this sort of experience. I think that at first I might find it strange but it doesn't seem like something that I couldn't adapt to.
From my time abroad and life as a Latino same sex kissing is something that I am completely used to. In the Latino culture it isn't common for strangers to exchange a kiss but more normal as a way to say hello for people who are familiar with each other. I think that the Arab culture sees hand holding in a similar light.
I dealt with a similar situation when I studied in France. I knew before going that French people greeted each other with kisses on the cheek, but I still felt nervous about it when I arrived. By the end of my stay though, I really liked greeting my friends in this way. It was like we were allowed a brief show of affection. However, I did notice that French people often don’t hug, something that I missed over time. I only hugged one of my French friends once, when we said goodbye, and she was rather surprised by it.
As for two people of the same sex holding hands, I agree with Victoria. I think it’s less of a cultural taboo here for two girls to hold hands than two guys, but I think it’s great that there are other cultures that don’t have this stigma.
My father is also from the Middle East so I have dealt with some very similar situations. Some things that I have had to deal with when visiting my dad’s family is the increase in affection when they see us. Because my family usually goes a few years at a time before visiting my grandmother always cries and kisses my sisters and I on the cheeks a ton. For my entire life I have grown up in the US and my mom’s family is also from here so holding hands just as a sign of friendship does not seem very normal here. However, in some cultures it is, and in the US we do some things that seem very foreign to other cultures so I believe it is all about educating ourselves on different cultures.
Courtney Moradipour
I have never had an experience with a culture where the same sex holds hands. I could tell you now though I would be very uncomfortable with that situation though. I would probably follow along with the culture but it would be very different for me.
When studying abroad in France, I felt very uneasy with kissing of friends. We met a bunch of students that were from Bordeaux and we learned the proper way to greet someone by kissing them on the cheeks. It was very different to all of us but we started to warm to the French culture after about a week.
I have never had an experience as overwhelming and different as holding hands. I do have an italian background and when I go to visit my extend family I am always greeted with a kiss on the cheek. I am used to it now, but it can still be slightly uncomfortable since it isn't normal for me.
I don't think it is normal, but that doesn't mean it is wrong, just wrong for me.
I went to Austria a few summers ago, and I stayed with a host family in Vienna. I had the opportunity to go to school with the girl that I was staying with. It was towards the end of the school year, so they were going on a "field trip" that day to a nearby park/lake where they just to hang around. I noticed quite frequently that the girls were very intimate with one another. They were lying on top of each other in the beach chairs outside, they would hold hands as they walked down the street, and they were just very touchy. Having my cultural norms, I viewed this as very odd or that they had feelings for one another (homosexual). After a while, another girl from America and I confronted the two girls that we were staying with. We asked them why they acted this way. They never even knew that it made us feel uncomfortable. It was just something that they did. It was normal to act that way towards friends. So, it was definitely an eye opener on cultural norms.
i think it's intriguing to see how different cultures interact and their behaviors. I will never forget my experience in Austria it definitely taught me a lot.
Whether I believe its normal or not is irrelevant. The culture I grew up in may call it abnormal and another may call it normal. It's just the differences of being raised in a certain environment and as long as its not hurting anyone, cultural norms should not be judged negatively.
What is normal anymore? In my culture, it's not generally considered normal. I would feel very uncomfortable if one of my friends (any sex) tried to hold my hand. This may stem from the fact that I don't like holding hands not even with my boyfriend. If I saw two girls or two guys in America holding hands, I would probably think they were together romantically. But, it wouldn't bother me if I was visiting another culture.
-Tricia Bruce
When I went to Spain everyone kissed each other on the cheek when meeting. Even after just 2 weeks of being there, I had never met a male Spaniard so when my homestay mother introduced me to one I went in to kiss him on the cheek and he was like "No no!" and extended his arm to shake my hand. I guess I thought it was normal...maybe he just didn't like it I'm not sure.
I think it's perfectly normal for same sex hand holding in countries where there isn't a stigma attached to it. In Vietnam and Cambodia it happened all the time, but because I am from America, and didn't know the custom, I asked my tour guide if they were gay, and he laughed at me of course haha. I'm gay so I wish hand holding between same sex people here was deemed ok...I think it would be easier, even if it was just among friends. It's just a matter of culture is all! :)
I think this is simply a case of two cultures being different, but not so different at its core. Holding hands in America is also a sign of enjoying one another's company, when you think about it. I don't think its that unusual to see two girls holding hands in America. However, I do think it'd be strange to see two straight guys holding hands in America, more or less more than two! I agree, though, it'd only be considered "strange" to me because that's not what "normal" is in my own culture.
I think that the situation from the cultural mindset of an American would definitely be strange, but at the same time I see no problem with that aspect of Middle Eastern culture. I have not ever been in a situation where I was confronted with that level of physical contact with someone of the same sex in public, but I did have many encounters and lessons learned from my friends from Italy and Spain. As you said in the beginning, kissing and hugging is a normal way to greet someone in the Middle East, in Italy and Spain this is also similar. My Italian friend Massimiliano and I over the course of six months came to a form of greeting that was a mixture of shaking hands, my comfortable American greeting, and hugging or kissing each other on the cheeks depending on how long it had been since we'd seen each other. All you need to do is be open to the other person's way of doing things and be able to come to a compromise that is comfortable for both people.
I think it is so interesting how different greetings are in other countries. While you're thinking about how strange it must be for men to hold hands with each other, think about how strange it seems for us to exclaim "OH MY GOD HI! HOW ARE YOU! WOW YOU LOOK FABULOUS! LOVE THOSE SHOES! HOWS YOUR JOB??" to everyone we know when we run into them. When I was abroad I found many people who asked me about our over-the-top greetings and also asked why we openly tell so much about ourselves (family, jobs, school, etc.) to people we know. It's always interesting to make these comparisons because it makes you see your own culture in a different light.
I've experienced the whole "kissing on the cheek" culture shock as well. I went to visit some family in Mexico a few years ago and decided to get a drink or two a few days into the trip. When I met up with my cousin and some of her friends I approached the first young lady with the "traditional American way" handshake,then the young lady went for the kiss on the cheek. I quickly panicked and pulled an evasive maneuver.. pulled away and avoided the kiss. Shortly after...they explained the kissing on the cheek was how greeting were usually done around there. Sooo.. When in Rome do as the Romans ;)
As far as my experience with a culture when the same sex holds hands, I have never really had one. If I did though I would be very uncomfortable with the whole thing, because it would be out of cultural norm. It would take some time for me to adapt to their way of life, but after a while I would probably go along with the culture and their way of life.
Nick South
The only experience that I have had somewhat close to this was when I was in France. I had never kissed anyone to say hello, it had always been a hug or shaking someone's hand. After a while, I adapted to the French culture and I became comfortable with it.
I have never experienced same-sex hand holding although I imagine that with my American background it would make me somewhat uncomfortable. I have, however, experienced kissing on the cheek among friends in Latino culture. I have a Colombian friend whose sister kisses me on the cheek every time I visit him. It caught me off guard the first time and seemed strange for a while but now it seems perfectly normal. I agree with Edie that it is very personable and makes you feel sincerely liked.
I dont think there is anything wrong with that. You just have to be mindful where you are because different cultures interpret it differently. Also, resent development can change the perception of people even if its the norm. You just have to be abreast with current trends as well.
In my home country, couple dont show affect in public, but in (some part of) America, you will see couples (whether married or not, same sex or not) kissing in parks and virtually everywhere. Even though I've been here a long time, I still have problems with that.
I am planning to visit my home country sometime in the near future and I hope to be able to observe first before jumping in with my "mixed culture".
I personally do not believe it is normal to hold hands with members of the same sex, but my view is down to the fact I was raised in the Western world and not in the middle east. It is traditional over in those countries, so it is something we have to accept, and maybe even adapt to if we were to visit one of the countries in which it is accepted as we would be likely to offend someone if we do not accept their culture while in their country.
I can't say that I have experienced anything similar to this, so I'm not sure on what my reaction to be. However, I believe that it would be much easier to accept in the case that the two people holding hands be girls rather than boys in our culture. I do remember when I was younger how my friends and I would link arms while walking and talking in different places, but now that I am a little older I don't think that would be considered "normal" in a public setting.
I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Each culture has their own nuances that may seem unconventional to outsiders looking in. For example, the French find it appalling that we eat cereal with milk, a very common breakfast meal in the US. In China, you see girls holding hands all the time.
The definition of "normal" is subjective.
I know while studying abroad in France I seen a lot of people greeting each other by kissing each other on the cheek. I know in the states we would never do that to someone we were just friends with, but over there it was very common. I do not see anything wrong with kissing on the cheek or holding hands with the same sex. Although it is not common here, that is just how we perceive things. I think that if you are going to travel to another country you may want to research things like that so if you are confronted with it, you would know how to respond.
"Do you believe it’s a normal to hold hands with people of the same sex?"
The difference between American and Middle Eastern culture in this situation is not about the sex of the people holding hands. It's about romantic versus non-romantic hand holding.
In America, hand holding is a romantic gesture. In the Middle East it is a platonic expression of affection.
That the authors of this blog chose to frame this concept in terms of same-sex friends holding hands rather than inter-racial or inter-religion friends highlights a component of American culture: a critical perspective of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) community.
"Do you believe it’s a normal to hold hands with people of the same sex?"
The difference between American and Middle Eastern culture in this situation is not about the sex of the people holding hands. It's about romantic versus non-romantic hand holding.
In America, hand holding is a romantic gesture. In the Middle East it is a platonic expression of affection.
That the authors of this blog chose to frame this concept in terms of same-sex friends holding hands rather than inter-racial or inter-religion friends highlights a component of American culture: a critical perspective of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) community.
"Do you believe it’s a normal to hold hands with people of the same sex?"
The difference between American and Middle Eastern culture in this situation is not about the sex of the people holding hands. It's about romantic versus non-romantic hand holding.
In America, hand holding is a romantic gesture. In the Middle East it is a platonic expression of affection.
That the authors of this blog chose to frame this concept in terms of same-sex friends holding hands rather than inter-racial or inter-religion friends highlights a component of American culture: a critical perspective of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) community.
I have never had this experience and would honestly probably be a little uncomfortable with it if something like that had happened to me. But I do understand how it is part of the culture and it should definitely be appreciated. The awareness of this cultural aspect shows your knowledge of customs and is very advantageous to you.
I have never been put in this situation and I would personally pull away from anyone who tried. I personally only hold someones hand if i am dating them lol, is that weird? I guess the kiss bow book would come in handy in this situation.
When I first got to Mexico, I was somewhat surprised that everyone wanted to kiss me on the cheek, whether they were first meeting me or just saying hello. Because I knew that they did this in Europe, I was not too surprised to know that other cultures had adapted it as well. In terms of members of the same sex holding hands, I don't think it's as strange as it used to be in our country. While it is not common for heterosexual men to hold hands with other heterosexual men in the U.S., I think that our society has become more comfortable and accepting of homosexual couples holding hands. I did not know that this was a common practice among family members in other parts of the world. You learn something new every day!
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